


Empty

by McKayRulez



Series: Dark & Disturbed Stargate [7]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Bullying, Eating Disorders, Hurt Rodney McKay, Hypoglycemia, M/M, Mean John, People Watching, Post Episode: s02e06 Trinity, Rodney McKay Whump, Seizures, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 00:12:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18304331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKayRulez/pseuds/McKayRulez
Summary: "I don't know what you expect from me, Radek. So, I forget to eat sometimes? That doesn't mean there's some big conspiracy."





	Empty

They say a look is worth a thousand words, and Radek is no stranger to this. As someone who had many snippet conversations with McKay, who left most words unspoken, Radek had become adept at trying to figure out the rubik's cube that was his boss.

Rodney's eyes were focused on his laptop. He looked tired, as his dilated pupils scanned left to right, taking in the complicated assortment of equations. He had been staring at the same screen for almost half an hour now. Far much longer than it normally took him to solve something so simple.

McKay furrowed his eyebrows. Maybe this meant he was mentally finding their solutions, and looking for suitable ways to implement his theories in the real world, or perhaps he was just confused.

His hand kept shaking over the keyboard. Nervous? Excited? Subconscious? It was hard to tell. Rodney was always moving his hands about, usually as he spoke, this however was different.  
He lifted his other hand and rubbed his temple. A headache, and by the squint in his eyes, a bad one at that.

His skin was pale, due to perhaps a combination of a lack of sunlight from staying in the lab the past week, and possibly due to lack of nutrition. This was punctuated by the excessive sweating that was slowly glazing his neck. It was a tale tell sign after all.

His lips were slant, in his near perpetual frown. As Radek stared at the lips, Rodney's eyes slid over to his minion. "What are you staring at?"

Radek jumped at his concentration being interrupted and straightened his glasses.  
Zelenka ignored the question and went right into his hypothesis. "Eat."

"Excuse me?" 

"You're being hypoglycemic, McKay. Work will be here when you get back, but first you need to eat." 

Rodney's frown deepened as he stared at Zelenka confused. He then looked up at the time and his sleep deprived eyes, as if on cue, widened. "It's dinner?.. I didn't even have breakfast?"

Zelenka didn't comment. This was a weekly occurrence in the lab, that was only getting more and more common. 

McKay would get so engrossed in his work that he'd forget to eat. It happened more often than either man would ever admit to anyone, let alone to the person who actually should know, (Carson), that they'd never tell. 

Rodney stood, then after taking a few steps, he stumbled dizzily. Zelenka got up and quickly caught him before Rodney could fall, and then helped him back to his seat. 

McKay rubbed his temples, as his head pounded. "Ugh.. How did I not notice how hungry I was?" 

Zelenka looked him over sympathetic, then went to the door. He looked back at McKay. "Stay here. I'll bring us both food." 

"You don't have to. I can go myself." Rodney announced annoyed, with a determined look. On the surface one may assume it was pride thing that was annoying McKay, but Radek suspected something else, and it worried him. 

"You're in no such condition. Stay put." 

The two stared each other down, which was much harder for Rodney, in his dizzying condition. Finally, he sighed giving in, "Nothing with citrus." 

"Of course, now conserve your energy, and don't have a seizure by the time I get back!" 

Rodney rested his head on his arms as he laid against the desk. "I don't think I really get a say in if that happens." 

Radek gave Rodney one last look of worry, before he turned and left.

\--

By the time he had returned, Rodney's shaking had intensified, and he was hunched over a trash can dry heaving. 

Radek sat next to him on the floor and sat his tray next to him. He gave Rodney's back a soothing rub. "Should I contact Dr. Beckett?" 

Rodney shook his head and winced after he spat in the trash can, and leaned against the wall tiredly. "Nah, he'll take me off tomorrow's mission if he finds out." That would just be one more thing to prove to Sheppard that he couldn’t trust him or his abilities, so he couldn’t have that. 

Rodney eyed the tray uncomfortably, then shakily dragged it onto his lap. "Besides.. I'll be fine."  
Rodney brought the fork to his mouth hesitantly. He side glanced Zelenka, noticing his constant gaze, then slowly took a bite. 

Radek watched concerned. If he kept this behaviour up something bad may happen, and he wouldn't admit it outloud, but as insufferable as McKay could be, he never wanted to see the man hurt. 

Rodney's eyes closed as he ate. He made a little hum noise of appreciation as the meal touched his taste buds, and his mouth watered. 

He rested his head against the wall, and hoped the headache would stop soon. He didn't want to have to ask Carson for Ibuprofen, in case the observant doctor noticed something was up. Maybe he could get Radek to get it for him. 

His shaky fingers gripped his utensils harder, trying to still them.

The hot sweat that had pooled unto his shirt, began to cool against the cold air conditioning of the lab. He felt a chill, and goosebumps rose in response.

He felt the pounding in his chest, of his high blood pressure, slowly settle, though not completely. He always had an unusually fast heart rate. 

When Rodney opened his tired eyes he found the dizziness was still there, but the world was slowly righting itself. He looked to the side and saw Radek observing him again. 

"What are you staring at?"

Radek watched him quietly. Unsure if he should get into this conversation or not, but given Rodney's curiosity slowly turning into annoyance, by the look in his eyes, he finally spoke up. "You."

He eyed him quizzically. "Why?" 

"Because I'm trying to figure out why you do this to yourself."

Rodney frowned and tilted his head. "It was an accident. I just let time get away from me."

"No. No, it's not. I accepted that excuse before, but the fact that it's been happening more and more frequently suggests otherwise."

Rodney waved his hands about as he spoke. He looked away from Zelenka. "I don't know what you expect from me, Radek. So, I forget to eat sometimes? That doesn't mean there's some big conspiracy." 

"As someone who loves to remind everyone how much of a genius he is, I'd expect you not to make the same mistake over and over again."

Rodney raised his hands defensively, just wanting this conversation to end. "Fine. I'll stop. Happy?" 

Radek looked away hurt. "No, I'm not."

Rodney just stared at him at a loss and quietly asked, against his better judgement, "What's that mean?" 

Radek looked back at him with painful eyes. "It doesn't answer the question of why you do this in the first place!"

"What does it matter? If I stop, you get the same outcome right?" Rodney asked confused. 

"It matters to me! And the fact you dance around the reasoning, just proves to me something is there!" 

"There isn't, Radek." Rodney looked away. "You're being paranoid." He then rose, shakily, and leaned against the wall for support. He wanted to be left alone. 

"Going to leave, already?"

"Yes, I'm tired. If you hadn't noticed we worked two days in a row without any breaks. I think I've earned my rest."

"You can't go yet. You haven't recovered."

"Who's the boss, Radek? Oh right, that's me." Rodney tossed his tray contents into the trash and set the tray aside.

Radek looked to the trash can concerned. "You barely ate anything?"

Rodney shook his head and enunciated forcefully. "Good night, Radek."

Zelenka watched as McKay used the wall for support as he walked away.

\--

Shortly after, Radek paced back and forth in the lab. A debate in his head, if he was indeed seeing things that weren't there, or if he was right in his concern, and if he was being more observant than Rodney had wished him to be.

Radek wondered if he should go to McKay's quarters, but to do what? Just to check on him? 

Doesn't Rodney deserve his rest though? It would be rude to wake him up.

He also wondered if he was being to protectful. Maybe he really was just being paranoid... 

Though he could be right? The observations were all there…

A few minutes later, Radek found himself at the door to McKay's room. Radek felt nerves flood him.

If Rodney was in a fowl mood, which due to his recent condition he probably was, he'd chew Radek out with what little strength remained. What's more, if Rodney was asleep his fury would be ten times worse.

Radek hesitated as he placed his hand on the door. After a moment, he closed his eyes and placed his ear against the cold lifeless metal. He listened hard.

He heard strange faint sounds. It was hard to make out, but Radek thought they may be sounds you'd hear when someone was sick.

Regardless if he was right or not, it proved Rodney was awake at least. He straightened himself and swiped his hand over the door control panel.

Zelenka braced himself for a Rodney sized rant, however, the unexpected happened. 

He got no response.

"Rodney?"

He swiped again and still nothing. Radek frowned. He looked skeptically from the door panel to the door itself, and mentally wondered just how much in trouble he could get into, if he broke into his bosses room. After a couple minutes of still nothing, but the soft noises of the other side, he finally concluded it was worth the risk of Rodney's wrath. 

He lifted open the door panel and fumbled with the crystals inside. Soon enough the door gracefully slid open and Zelenka cautiously stepped inside. 

The bedroom was empty, but now the sounds were much more clear, leading to the bathroom.

Zelenka stopped and flushed as thoughts raced in his head. What if he walked in on Rodney doing his own private business? In fact, wasn't all of this Rodney's own business?

He hesitated, as his mind mentally rebuked himself for his obsessive curiosity. Besides, this was Rodney of all people! Why should he care so much if he hurt himself?

But he DID care.

Zelenka walked over and the door slid open. He stood numbly, as he gazed down at the sight of Rodney hunched over the toilet, with a finger down his throat, vomiting what little he had eaten.

Rodney caught sight of the light draping the floor, as it shone through the doorway. He looked up at Zelenka, hovering over him. He quickly turned away, taking the finger out of his mouth. His cheeks burned red as humiliation filled him to the core. His eyes flickering side to side rapidly, desperately seeking some sort of excuse. A lie to make it not look the way it was perceived. However, before he could think of one, Zelenka sat down next to him and wrapped his arms around him. Radek said nothing. There was no judgement in Radek's eyes. No disgust. No laughter at his expense. Just genuine sadness.

"I-" The words caught in his throat, his mind numb.

Rodney shook under Radek's grip, and he hugged him tighter. The comforting feeling started to outweigh the humiliation, as Rodney realized just how much he wanted physical contact from someone, anyone.

Radek felt his shoulder dampen, as Rodney slowly started to break down and cry. Radek let his fingers trail into Rodney's hair, giving him a reassuring pet, as he shook beneath his touch. He still needed to know why. Needed to know how to fix this!.. If it could even be fixed at all.. However, he wasn't going to pressure it out of him. 

After a few minutes of silent crying, Rodney finally gave him his answer. "I.. I just wanted them to stop." He breathed out in a whisper.

Them? Stop? Zelenka wondered what he was referring to, as he breathed in Rodney's sweaty neck. "What do you mean?" He asked quietly.

"John and Ronon.. They keep.. Making fun of my weight.." Rodney slowly admitted as his face heated.

"Rodney.." Radek wasn't sure what to say. He knew McKay was the butt of most jokes in AR-1, but he didn't think he actually let it get to him.

"They were jokes before.. but now.. Ever since Arcturus," Rodney winced painfully. He hated that name. Wished he never learned of it. It's given him nothing but pain. "Sheppard's been even crueler to me... I don't think he's teasing to be funny anymore." 

"Rodney, don't let them get to you. You're better than that."

Rodney clung unto Zelenka and finally looked him in the eyes. "I can't help it now! I can't stop it!" 

He shook. "Everytime I eat I get nauseous. I- I just can't eat anymore."

"We'll take you to Beckett."

Rodney grabbed his head as his headache pounded. "No! Please, don't tell him!"

"Rodney-"

He looked up desperate. "I don't want anyone to know! Especially him!"

"People are already noticing, Rodney. You've been looking thin lately."

"I know that much.." He flushed. "Even Elizabeth complimented me." Rodney looked away. "If people thought I was ugly before, maybe.. Maybe it's for the best." 

"No." Radek brought Rodney's chin back to face him. "You looked perfectly fine before. There was nothing wrong with you, Rodney."

McKay shook his head. "It doesn't matter.. Once I lose the weight no one will be able to make fun of me anymore, and.. and then I'll.. I'll find a way to stop!" 

"What do you mean loose the weight? You have nothing left to lose?"

Rodney looked at Zelenka confused. "You don't have to lie to me. I think I know my own body, Radek."

Radek gazed at him concerned. "I.. I don't think you do.. Now.. Let's get you some fluids. Something easy to digest." 

"No. I'm fine." Rodney pushed Radek off, shakily. "Just.. Just give me a few more days to lose some more pounds, okay!.. Then.." Rodney looked distant. "Then..." Suddenly, Rodney's eyes rolled back as he fell into a seizure.

Radek muttered Czech curses under his breath as he fumbled for his comms and called Dr. Beckett.

\--

Rodney slowly regained consciousness, and found himself in the infirmary with an IV drip. He groaned and rubbed his head.

He squinted at the dim lights overhead. He wondered how much time he had been out. Hours? Days? There was no way of knowing.

Rodney slowly tried to sit up, but felt a hand stop him. "Easy now, lad." Cason's voice filled his head and Rodney groaned even louder. Great.. The one man he had been avoiding..

"Take it nice and slow. That big brain of yours has been through the ringer."

Rodney rubbed the back of his head, feeling a bandage there. He must have bashed it real good during his seizure.

Finally, Rodney willed himself to look at Carson. "Carson."

"Aye, lad?"

"What's going on?"

"You’ve been in wee bit of a coma, after you had a hypoglycemic seizure. I gave you a glucagon shot... Also, Dr. Weir gave Colonel Sheppard and Ronon a piece of her mind." He made a disapproving tisk noise. "Wish I could have see it,” He placed a gentle caring hand on Rodney’s shoulder, “but I had a patient to look after. It'll be my turn to brow beat them soon enough."

McKay also wished he could see it, but at the same time wished he could hide. Sheppard had already been pissed at him before, now it would probably be much, much, worse. 

Rodney caught sight of Zelenka, just behind Carson, sitting across from the bed. "Radek?"

Carson turned to look at Zelenka then back to Rodney. "I'll give you two a moment."

Radek stood and went to Rodney's bedside.

"How long have I been out?"

Radek glanced to the side hesitantly, then finally looked back to Rodney. "Three days."

Rodney cursed looking to the ceiling, then a thought occurred to him. He looked back at him. 

"You're still here?"

Radek nodded silently.

He looked away awkwardly. He took a deep breath. He wanted to say something, but.. He wasn't sure what... So instead he just looked back and said, "Thank you."

Radek was looking at him strangely, in a way Rodney hadn't seen before. It was a mixture of concern and.. and something else?.. It made him worried and he felt his hypochondria flare up. How bad did he mess himself up? Did his starvation cause more damage than Carson let on? 

"What?.. Why are you lo-"

Rodney was caught off guard, when suddenly Radek lunged forward, grabbing him by the shirt and pressed his lips to his.

McKay’s eyes widened, as Radek pulled away and glanced to the side turning pink. "I.. I thought you were going to die!" He suddenly blurted out in Czech, as if that was his excuse. 

Rodney raised an eyebrow having no idea what Radek said, then watched as the skittish scientist suddenly saw a curious Carson watching them from his desk. He quickly began to leave. 

A stunned Rodney finally collected himself to call out, "Wait!" right as Radek made it to the exit. He turned and looked at him hesitantly. 

"Do you... Do you think you.." Rodney bit his lip, unsure he could will himself to make the request he wanted.

"What?"

“When I…” Rodney looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “When I get.. 'Better',... and can.. You know,... actually stomach things again..." He looked back at Radek, "Do you think we could have a redo on that dinner in the lab that we almost had together?" 

Radek observed him carefully, then after a moment smiled and nodded.


End file.
